That is the exact text I sent to Sexual Chocolate at 8:27 am on Monday morning…
"I Just woke up, I have no clue how or when I got home and my mouth tastes like battery acid and regret…FML"
Now your probably wondering why that text was sent on a Monday morning? Oh I will tell you…
I wake up Sunday to a text from The Crusher that I need to get my ass up and meet him and The Boss for brunch at a local joint called city fish…
I politely get dressed and make my way out there and then the fun begins. City fish has one of the best brunches and all you can drink mimosa's that anyone could ask for…
I proceed to eat myself retarded and drink about 7 mimosas in a 2 hour span, this is when things get interesting…
I leave City Fish and head over to Classy's house and watch as The Crusher and T-Mack are having Classy run IV lines on them for the sake of making sure they will stay hydrated throughout the day, They plan on getting wasted lol.
It is now 3pm on a sunday…
I head home to nap for awhile while, The Crusher, The Boss, And T-mack are headed out to the beach for awhile to chill, I tell them I will meet up with them later…
I woke up from my nap about 6pm feeling slightly refreshed and hungry, so I grab some mexican food with my mom for dinner and text The Crusher…
"what you doin?"
Getting dressed, its country theme night at the strip club…
I proceed to tell them I am in, what time should I meet them at the strip club?
The Crusher says lets meet there at 9…
I get done and head out to the strip club and get there a little after 9pm, The Crusher, The Boss, and T-mack are drinking Ciders in the parking lot, I drink 2 and proceed to make my way into the club…
At around 9:30pm while standing at the bar in the Strip club I have a realization…
I am drunk, its 9 pm and I am at the strip club?…
Now some would think this is a problem, me on the other hand say Fuck it, and the night continues on…
T-Mack and The Crusher are schooling a young stripper on how to approach guys and do her job, I laugh and drink some more.
At some point in my drunk state on Saturday night i managed to make plans with both my Ex girlfriends, As you can tell i blew them both off to go get drunk at the Strip club…
Here is a text convo I had with one of my Ex's…
Ex Gf: Wow that movie was hilarious
Me: Hangover?
Ex Gf: Yeah I was being sarcastic
Me: HUH?
Ex Gf: We were supposed to go see it… oh well have fun with the strippers. have a good memorial day..later :') boo
Me: This was unexpectd
Ex Gf: Yeah I made plans with you lol, I didnt know that meant I got dropped when the opportunity to hang out with girls paid to like you and your boyfriend lol…
Me: What?
Ex Gf: I just thought when we made plans it meant something better came along you were'nt going to bail but its cool :) have a good night.
It is now around 10:30 pm I am still at the strip club…
at some point in the night I asked a very attractive stripper to marry me, she said I was cute and asked if I wanted a dance? I said no, they are very unfullfiling but I will have another vodka…
The attractive stripper proceeds to have a convo with me about her daughter, the fact she likes my hair, and what she does during the day…
We leave shortly after and head next door to a bar called Slim and Chubbies….
Now this place was a dump, but I did manage to make friends with 3 lesbians and proceeded to friend them on facebook.
At about 12, we left and headed to another strip called the Brass Flamingo, I vaguely remember being there but i am pretty sure I got lost on the way there and had 1 drink. I left shortly after as the thought of my drive home scared me.
I guess on the way home I decided I had to pee, so I pulled into another local hangout Freaki Tiki, I walked in went to pee and left…
I got home somewhere around 2:30 am and passed out.
It is now Monday morning at 8 am and this is what some would call memorial day :)…
Now I don't have a real job, so I can pretty much do whatever I want when I want despite the day, I guess though memorial day is a day that all people with real jobs go out on boats and drink. I guess I will join in on the fun…
I got a call from The Hulse and Westy, a friend of ours is having a BBQ on the water…
I show up about 3pm and this was a really low key fun day filled with meaningful conversations and family time with The Hulse children.
Now I am not very good around kids, but the Hulse kids are awesome and always remind me that maybe one day I should reproduce?…
HAAAAAAA….
Not anytime soon though lol…
After telling them about my strip club epiphany I tell The Hulse I am not drinking today, He calls me a pussy, I proceed to drink again…
We spent a good portion of the day tubing, me being retarded I convince the boat driver AKA: Nicholas Cage to go as fast as possible…
He gets the boat up to I believe 60 mph, I call him an asshole, and get thrown like a rag doll only to laugh and continue to drink more…
Around 7pm we smoked a cigar and had a very entertaining conversation about homosexuality, murderers, and jesus…
I head home around 8pm, proceed to drive by a chrysler sebring convertble with 4 people in it all drinking beer…
This reminds me to get a beer, so I stop off at hess grab 48oz of Bud light and go home to shower and change…
Its monday night, so I am going to a local club that is awesome called The Venue.
I text my boy Jrock and the convo goes like this…
Me: Venue?
Jrock: Yessssrrrr
Me: Sweet you workin?
Jrock:Just got home 20 minutes ago
Me: Ok cool let me know whats up I am down
Jrock: I got tomorrow off I am def down
Me: We should go early, its gonna be packed
Jrock: Haha its gonna a stumble out kinda night isnt it?
Me: We should take a cab
Jrock: Ill pick you up at 11 :)
Now during this time I get showered drink my 2 beers and I am ready to go…
I realize I have not eaten in a while so i shoot up to winghouse and grab a quick bite to hopefully offset the sheer volume of alcohol I am about to consume over the next few hours.
We get to venue and the night begins…
It gets a little fuzzy but I got a facebook message from Hot Mess's sister, she said I am at Venue its your birthday week I will buy you a shot.
Now I guess Hot Mess got into some big fight with her sis earlier today and i was under the impression she didnt like me, so I am not quite sure why she wants to buy me a shot, but I am not one refuse alcohol so I manage to find her at the bar, she buys me a birthday shot and proceeds to get really drunk with a bunch of guys in red shirts lol.
Me and Jrock continue to make poor decisions, and at some point bought a grey goose bottle for 3 bux (not sure why)the night went on and all in all we had a really good time.
3am comes along and we both decide neither of us have the ability to walk let alone drive, so we hail a cab from out front and get in for the adventure home. I ask Cab driver Ted if i can pay using my debit card and he tells me no its cash only…
I proceed to have him stop at the bank and give him directions on how to extract money out of the atm as if he has never done this before, he in a very irritated voice helps me pull 80 bux from the machine I give him 40 on a ten dollar fare and I woke up today fully clothed with my shoes still on at 9:30am.
Welcome to my life :)
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